Out of Sickness

Coming out of sickness...

Last Saturday evening I got very sick, very fast. Since then I've been fighting some sort of cough, cold, and utterly exhausting disease. Its really hard for me to be sick because I am such an active person. Since elementary school I've been the kid that wanted recess all day long and wouldn't sit still for a haircut. I would walk around the salon literally while they cut my hair. I'm sure in some way this relates to my spiritual life. I've always experienced God through adventure. In taking risks and being in nature I have had the best days of my life. At the same time, it might be possible that my inability to rest physically relates to my inability to rest spiritually.

Its hard for me to slow down and simply BE with God. I find so much worth in what I DO, and lately God's been reminding me, to simply BE HIS. I said simply, but its anything but that for me. I get lost in finding my worth in what others think of me and how well I think I'm doing a job. I realize when people ask me how I am doing, I am have no real idea, because I haven't slowed down enough to really reflect on how I am doing personally. So I'm kinda rambling, but I'm just processing this now.

As I begin to feel my body healing, I am excited about joining LA Fitness and starting up a kick boxing class. Its funny but I started watching old episodes of Alias and I think Jennifer Garner is pretty cool. I'm also thinking about training for a sprint triathlon in Miami in April and I'm excited about getting back into swimming. At the same time I just dropped some serious G's to buy a 9.0 Channin surfboard. O my, as I type this I realize how much activity I have planned in the coming months.

My prayer is that amidst all these crazy hobbies and endeavors I would strive for balance and rest. If anyone is reading this you should ask me in a few weeks if I'm finding that balance. I could use the accountability. Hopefully I won't be too stubborn to listen. =)

A reminder

I wrote this about a year ago and I can still identify with every word. Thought I would post it since I haven't written anything in awhile.


Truthfully I'm blind you see
Got a world of weight on my shoulders
Couldn't tell you where its coming from
Only distractions keeping me running from
Facing you, hearing your Voice

O strip away this numb feeling
Tell this voice to go away thats stealing
My joy

Material possessions clinging
To this world, but we're leaving
Everything behind, why
So much turmoil inside

Is it a costume I'm wearing
Trying to be something other than me
In control with responsibility
At best I am weak

And so this feelings'
Got me facing reality
I'm nothing you see
In the hands of Majesty
A king so great and so mighty
Holding me, indefinitely

And its here I find
My Abba's love for me
The costume disappearing
The weight transferring
Held now by hands that created the Universe
I find a new identity, defining me as His Child

No more costume wearing
Living up to others expectations,
Disparing

No I'm Jenny, your daughter
Experiencing, the all encompassing love of a Father
Forgiving, not judging me
Embracing, ever patient with me,
Never reluctant, always truthful,
Always kind, Listening to me
Full of mercy
This love I find
Indescriminately holding me
Forever
My daddy's hand in mine

up too late...

What is it about surfing the net that suddenly you realize you've been online for hours and you wonder how did I get here? It's just so easy to get lost in it all. Okay so quick update: I am a terrible blogger. I just started this thing and I barely lasted a month before getting bored.

So this is my attempt to start up again. In less than 48 hours I will be in Costa Rica! I can't wait. I'm going to experiment with my Nikon d80 *dorkie I know, surf all day, and party with my friends. Seriously there are some perks... to being single. 1. You can pick up at anytime and go anywhere without asking. 2. You can spend money (as much as you want) 3. When you're on vacation... you can do whatever you feel like!

Alright I'm off to sleep.

Running away from Prostitution

"A spirit of prostitution is in their heart, they do not acknowledge the Lord." Hosea 5:4

This morning I immersed myself in the book of Hosea.  This verse tugged at my heart as I've been trying to put my finger on where my heart has been with God these past few months.  The truth is, I've been seeking my contentment in relationships and in setting my own goals.  I have stopped listening to the voice of God and gotten caught up in the noise of idolatry, running at such a pace that drowns out His voice.

I've been in a funk for several months and I've felt frustrated as to having a desire to really study His Word and find joy and life in it.  My prayer is that I would acknowledge Him in ALL things and lay down my idols of wasting time on facebook and watching pointless TV shows.  

There are so many idols to list off but I simply want my heart to return to a place of love.  

I have realized several things lately about myself and I haven't done anything about them.  1.  I talk a lot more than I listen to people 2. I cut people off as they speak 3.  I have a controlling personality (especially at work).  Those are just a few ugly things about myself that I haven't confessed but that I see daily.  

I am asking the Spirit to make genuine changes in me and to reveal this life of Christ, of sacrificial and unconditional love.  Sounds cliche' but really I don't want to be a prostitute.

  

Beauty all around

I just came back from an incredible retreat.  It's impossible to sum up every moment of the trip but if I had to choose 3 phrases they would be 1.  Child exploring Abbaland 2.  Resting at sunsets 3.  The tension between two worlds.

First,  I was like a little kid when it came to finding hidden places in nature and capturing them on film.  I fell in love with the beach all over again.  Saw some pretty awesome creatures; turtles, a manatee, 2 hawks, bunnies, and I'm not sure what jumped when I ran into it with my Kayak but it was either a REALLY big fish, or a baby alligator.  I definitely cursed (always happens when I'm scared to death!). 

Then Friday night's sunset I found myself fully present with God which meant completely at rest.   To be fully present was to me to be completely alive.  

Later on, I met some new people (friends of friends) and realized that I really live in a Christian bubble and that I have to find a balance between being in the world but not of it, and being completely removed from the world.  I realized I have removed myself too much from a broken and hurting reality that revealed itself to me in a conversation about losing faith in God because of the Mayan calendar and "'try everything' because this life is all you got".  How did I get so far removed...

So that's a brief synopsis of an incredible weekend but I'll have to write more later.

  

Slip n' Slide

Does life get any better than discovering slip n' slide has water spouts?  This was one of my favorite moments of the best weekend.  My little Taylor just turned 3 and this was her first slip n' slide experience.  She helps me see the world.  I love this kid!

Living life with Boldness

I just finished attending the Orange Conference in Atlanta.  I learned SO MUCH!  One great reminder was the boldness we should have as we live out the gospel.  Franchis Chan spoke about taking risks and not letting "church people" normalize or "calm you down."  I have worked for a church for 3 years now and one thing I have learned is to ask myself this question all the time "Is the church changing you Jenny or are you changing the church?"  I have found myself compromising relationships for tasks time and time again.  Some of that comes from others expectations but when I really own up to it, the truth is, I make the decision to check things off my "to do" list rather than make a phone call and sit and listen to a leader or student who is really hurting.   I often come up with ideas and dreams in the church only to have someone tell me its not realistic and I shouldn't pursue it.  Then I find myself doing that to our volunteers and I know God does not delight in my negativity or inability to see past what is "possible."  So this is my confession and I am recognizing there is a certain amount of boldness that God instills inside of us to dream new dreams for His Kingdom and to take risks.  God is still performing miracles and wonders and I don't want to be the one who say's, "No, that's a silly idea."  So I'm praying for more boldness in speaking His Word. I am praying for more boldness in trying new things (and being okay with failure) in ministry, and I am praying for more boldness as I hear God challenge me to have faith as small as a mustard seed and to SEE the mountains move! 

I feel like I am standing on a ledge 100 feet high.  I am scared to dive head first but I am certain that's what God's asking me to do. I know there is a great freedom coming as I fall yet I hope and pray that my fear doesn't keep me standing on the ledge.