Out of Sickness

Coming out of sickness...

Last Saturday evening I got very sick, very fast. Since then I've been fighting some sort of cough, cold, and utterly exhausting disease. Its really hard for me to be sick because I am such an active person. Since elementary school I've been the kid that wanted recess all day long and wouldn't sit still for a haircut. I would walk around the salon literally while they cut my hair. I'm sure in some way this relates to my spiritual life. I've always experienced God through adventure. In taking risks and being in nature I have had the best days of my life. At the same time, it might be possible that my inability to rest physically relates to my inability to rest spiritually.

Its hard for me to slow down and simply BE with God. I find so much worth in what I DO, and lately God's been reminding me, to simply BE HIS. I said simply, but its anything but that for me. I get lost in finding my worth in what others think of me and how well I think I'm doing a job. I realize when people ask me how I am doing, I am have no real idea, because I haven't slowed down enough to really reflect on how I am doing personally. So I'm kinda rambling, but I'm just processing this now.

As I begin to feel my body healing, I am excited about joining LA Fitness and starting up a kick boxing class. Its funny but I started watching old episodes of Alias and I think Jennifer Garner is pretty cool. I'm also thinking about training for a sprint triathlon in Miami in April and I'm excited about getting back into swimming. At the same time I just dropped some serious G's to buy a 9.0 Channin surfboard. O my, as I type this I realize how much activity I have planned in the coming months.

My prayer is that amidst all these crazy hobbies and endeavors I would strive for balance and rest. If anyone is reading this you should ask me in a few weeks if I'm finding that balance. I could use the accountability. Hopefully I won't be too stubborn to listen. =)

A reminder

I wrote this about a year ago and I can still identify with every word. Thought I would post it since I haven't written anything in awhile.


Truthfully I'm blind you see
Got a world of weight on my shoulders
Couldn't tell you where its coming from
Only distractions keeping me running from
Facing you, hearing your Voice

O strip away this numb feeling
Tell this voice to go away thats stealing
My joy

Material possessions clinging
To this world, but we're leaving
Everything behind, why
So much turmoil inside

Is it a costume I'm wearing
Trying to be something other than me
In control with responsibility
At best I am weak

And so this feelings'
Got me facing reality
I'm nothing you see
In the hands of Majesty
A king so great and so mighty
Holding me, indefinitely

And its here I find
My Abba's love for me
The costume disappearing
The weight transferring
Held now by hands that created the Universe
I find a new identity, defining me as His Child

No more costume wearing
Living up to others expectations,
Disparing

No I'm Jenny, your daughter
Experiencing, the all encompassing love of a Father
Forgiving, not judging me
Embracing, ever patient with me,
Never reluctant, always truthful,
Always kind, Listening to me
Full of mercy
This love I find
Indescriminately holding me
Forever
My daddy's hand in mine

up too late...

What is it about surfing the net that suddenly you realize you've been online for hours and you wonder how did I get here? It's just so easy to get lost in it all. Okay so quick update: I am a terrible blogger. I just started this thing and I barely lasted a month before getting bored.

So this is my attempt to start up again. In less than 48 hours I will be in Costa Rica! I can't wait. I'm going to experiment with my Nikon d80 *dorkie I know, surf all day, and party with my friends. Seriously there are some perks... to being single. 1. You can pick up at anytime and go anywhere without asking. 2. You can spend money (as much as you want) 3. When you're on vacation... you can do whatever you feel like!

Alright I'm off to sleep.

Running away from Prostitution

"A spirit of prostitution is in their heart, they do not acknowledge the Lord." Hosea 5:4

This morning I immersed myself in the book of Hosea.  This verse tugged at my heart as I've been trying to put my finger on where my heart has been with God these past few months.  The truth is, I've been seeking my contentment in relationships and in setting my own goals.  I have stopped listening to the voice of God and gotten caught up in the noise of idolatry, running at such a pace that drowns out His voice.

I've been in a funk for several months and I've felt frustrated as to having a desire to really study His Word and find joy and life in it.  My prayer is that I would acknowledge Him in ALL things and lay down my idols of wasting time on facebook and watching pointless TV shows.  

There are so many idols to list off but I simply want my heart to return to a place of love.  

I have realized several things lately about myself and I haven't done anything about them.  1.  I talk a lot more than I listen to people 2. I cut people off as they speak 3.  I have a controlling personality (especially at work).  Those are just a few ugly things about myself that I haven't confessed but that I see daily.  

I am asking the Spirit to make genuine changes in me and to reveal this life of Christ, of sacrificial and unconditional love.  Sounds cliche' but really I don't want to be a prostitute.

  

Beauty all around

I just came back from an incredible retreat.  It's impossible to sum up every moment of the trip but if I had to choose 3 phrases they would be 1.  Child exploring Abbaland 2.  Resting at sunsets 3.  The tension between two worlds.

First,  I was like a little kid when it came to finding hidden places in nature and capturing them on film.  I fell in love with the beach all over again.  Saw some pretty awesome creatures; turtles, a manatee, 2 hawks, bunnies, and I'm not sure what jumped when I ran into it with my Kayak but it was either a REALLY big fish, or a baby alligator.  I definitely cursed (always happens when I'm scared to death!). 

Then Friday night's sunset I found myself fully present with God which meant completely at rest.   To be fully present was to me to be completely alive.  

Later on, I met some new people (friends of friends) and realized that I really live in a Christian bubble and that I have to find a balance between being in the world but not of it, and being completely removed from the world.  I realized I have removed myself too much from a broken and hurting reality that revealed itself to me in a conversation about losing faith in God because of the Mayan calendar and "'try everything' because this life is all you got".  How did I get so far removed...

So that's a brief synopsis of an incredible weekend but I'll have to write more later.

  

Slip n' Slide

Does life get any better than discovering slip n' slide has water spouts?  This was one of my favorite moments of the best weekend.  My little Taylor just turned 3 and this was her first slip n' slide experience.  She helps me see the world.  I love this kid!

Living life with Boldness

I just finished attending the Orange Conference in Atlanta.  I learned SO MUCH!  One great reminder was the boldness we should have as we live out the gospel.  Franchis Chan spoke about taking risks and not letting "church people" normalize or "calm you down."  I have worked for a church for 3 years now and one thing I have learned is to ask myself this question all the time "Is the church changing you Jenny or are you changing the church?"  I have found myself compromising relationships for tasks time and time again.  Some of that comes from others expectations but when I really own up to it, the truth is, I make the decision to check things off my "to do" list rather than make a phone call and sit and listen to a leader or student who is really hurting.   I often come up with ideas and dreams in the church only to have someone tell me its not realistic and I shouldn't pursue it.  Then I find myself doing that to our volunteers and I know God does not delight in my negativity or inability to see past what is "possible."  So this is my confession and I am recognizing there is a certain amount of boldness that God instills inside of us to dream new dreams for His Kingdom and to take risks.  God is still performing miracles and wonders and I don't want to be the one who say's, "No, that's a silly idea."  So I'm praying for more boldness in speaking His Word. I am praying for more boldness in trying new things (and being okay with failure) in ministry, and I am praying for more boldness as I hear God challenge me to have faith as small as a mustard seed and to SEE the mountains move! 

I feel like I am standing on a ledge 100 feet high.  I am scared to dive head first but I am certain that's what God's asking me to do. I know there is a great freedom coming as I fall yet I hope and pray that my fear doesn't keep me standing on the ledge.  

The Same Yesterday, Today, and Forever

Hebrews 13:8 say's "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." What an awesome truth. Lately I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster and I have been more stressed than ever about work.  A good friend of mine pointed out the fact that emotion has the word "motion" in it and its okay to expect that our emotions will change frequently.  That was a cool ah ha moment for me.  But God has also reminded that He is my ROCK.  I am brought back to the truth that though my circumstances  and emotions may be changing, God is infinitely the same.  Psalm 33:11 say's "But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations." I cannot thwart God's plans, no matter how big the roller coaster ride!  I rest in that truth today.

I leave for a conference in Atlanta tomorrow and I'm excited to dream big dreams for ministry.  On the one hand I have been exhausted this past month and have not found any time to truly rest other than my trip to Cleveland for my grandfather's funeral.  I am recognizing there is a constant demand in ministry and I need to fight for rest and renewal.  When I return from this trip I am going to start saying "no" even if its a good thing and I have someone holding me accountable so that I can say "yes" to rest and solitude with my Abba.

So today I run to Yahweh Tsuri, "The Lord my Rock."

I miss my grandpa

Ever since I got back from Mississippi, I have felt like life has been a bit of  a blur.  I came home sick and slept 36 out of 72 hours but the hardest hit came the morning after Easter on my way to the beach when my dad called to tell me my grandpa had passed away.  You know, I was just driving and laughing with my friends, and the call came so unexpectedly. My grandma died in September 08'.  She was 86 years old and in and out of the hospital and in a way we knew she was going to die.  But I have the strongest memory of my Grandpa with her before she died.  He would sit at her bedside all day long and read books until she fell asleep at night.  I spent some time with him in the hospital and he told me there was no place he would rather be than right there, by her side.  They were married for 64 years!  I can honestly say, they are one of the strongest examples of love and commitment I have seen in my life.  I can remember at their 50th wedding anniversary, the two of them dancing so well together, and I thought to myself, I want to be like that one day.  To have someone I love and still dance together when we're 75 years old as if we had just started dating.  My grandpa taught me how to golf,  he had the best belly for me to crawl up on and read stories, he would build the BIGGEST leaf piles for me to jump in the Fall, and he showed me how marriage can last!  I am leaving to Cleveland for his funeral this weekend and I know it will be such a sad time. Especially for my dad whose lost both parents in 1 year.  I am reminded how few moments we have in life with the people we love and not to take them for granted. I love my grandpa becker and I'm going to miss him.

Caught up in a moment like this

A night in the coffee shop, listening to stories, catching the awesome breeze on Miracle Mile and enjoying every second of being caught up in the moment.  Walking down the sidewalk, grabbing a bite of ice cream, laughing hysterically. I definitely went back to my teenage years with these youth, and later on found myself singing "total eclipse of the heart...and now I need you more than ever...dadadadeedeededada" ALL BY MYSELF in the car. I mumbled half the song but sang it at the top of my lungs with freedom! Hahah.  We really should live IN the moment more often.

Memory of the Day

Just a beautiful memory with Alexis and her family tonight.  I wanted to capture it before I fall asleep.  To sit at the table with what felt like family and read the story of Christ death and resurrection beginning at the Passover meal.  Grandma, Mother, Sister, Daughter, Son, Soul Group leader and Staff Leader read the story together. To laugh together, to tell stories of Mississippi and God's work in our lives, to talk about colleges and the future for Alexis, to see Adrian love on and laugh with Joe and set such an example for this young 9th grader, to know that God's LOVE was filling up the house, that's what Easter was about for us today.  How Christ so obviously unites us in the Spirit is so powerful.  I am so proud of these kids.  All I can think of when I am around them is how much God is at work in their their lives and what a joy it is to see them grow.  Thank you God for sharing these moments with me. How precious. I love you Lord!

Nothing like the Rain

I just got back from a mission trip in Mississippi with my ROOTS family. It was incredible! Unfortunately I was feeling pretty sick today and lonely but felt the need to go for a run and have a conversation with God. After about 1 mile into the run, rain started to fall. There is NOTHING like running in the rain! I began to take in every moment with my maker and felt His incredible presence in the water. I didn't care that my iPod was on, I just began to run faster and faster as I heard these lyrics...

"Did you rise the sun for me, or paint a million stars that I might know your majesty
Is your voice upon the wind, is everything I know marked with my maker's fingerprints
Breath on me, let me see your face, ever I will seek you

All you are is all I want always
Draw me close, in your arms, o God
I want to be with you

Can I feel you in the rain
Abandon all I am to have you capture me again
Let the earth resound with praise
Can you hear as all creation lives to glorify one name"

Tomorrow is Easter and tonight we have services at the church. I can't wait to celebrate Jesus resurrection! ALL CREATION LIVES TO GLORIFY ONE NAME! As I was running God reminded me of His incredible grace and beauty. Again, I want to abandon all I am and have Him capture me again!

Adventure Beckons

"God has designed countless opportunities for each of us to enjoy a spirit of adventure, no matter where we are or what we're doing. Instead of being adrift in the mundane routine of everyday life, we can be captured by wonder." - Luci Swindoll

I really believe adventure exists in every moment. I am reading this book right now that's helping me see adventure through a different lens. As I get ready to leave for a mission trip with 50 high school students in 2 days, I am praying that God would reveal himself in new and incredible ways. Of course He is always doing this, if only my eyes looked at the world differently, if only my ears listened with intention. I wrote a few thoughts in my journal the other day, just free flow thought.
Pretty much my heart these days.

Adventure Beckons
My heart stirs deeply
I can think of nothing other than running wild
So many days stuck in routine
I'm ready to see with new eyes
Can't imagine how He sees the world: unlimited possibility, creativity unleashed
and yet we find ourselves stuck in a rut, stuck in monotony
Where Wonder have you gone
to businesses and capital gains, drowned in the toilet
I want to break free of expectations, empty boxes, corners that trap, and minds that disengage,
O Wonder fill my heart with stories untold, with new eyes that admire your beauty
I want to get lost in you even if no one understands